Mistress, spank my bottom. Spank it really hard!
Please, spank my bottom!
- That is unpleasant. - Spank it really hard.
Lick my nipples.
No, thank you, pregnant lady.
Strip, soldier!
You're gonna find out why they call me the drill sergeant.
That's... That's nice, baby.
No, Frizzy! No!
No, no, no, Frizzy! No!
Frizzy.
No, no, no, wait! Cody! No.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No!
Don't worry about it, man. Everyone's got a sex tape.
Please.
Yeah, except they're having sex with people.
- Frizzy. - Right.
It's not technically incest if your family member's a different species.
So, are you getting close with Dana yet?
The rumours are true. She's taken the pledge.
No sex? She was your sure thing.
- Faith-camp propaganda, man. She's waiting until marriage.
I thought she had sex with six guys.
What?
Get to class.
No cell phones in the hall, Alyson.
You can pick this up from my office today after school.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!
Well, I've seen worse.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No!
Miss Johnson. Lunch today?
I'll have to check my calendar, perv... Pete.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!
Look. Look. Look at that.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No! Frizzy!
- Hey, just ignore them. - Oh, God. You saw it, too?
- Just so you know, it's not at all... - Hey, don't worry about it.
Frizzy's a good-looking dog.
So, do you wanna do it? Are we on?
Rob? Rob? Are we on for seventh period?
Yeah. I... I'll...
- I'll meet you over there. - Okay.
- Doggy style! - Hey, Stifler.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, we're just... We're just... We're friends.
Just friends? How sweet.
Well, she seems awful ripe. If you don't pick the fruit, I will.
Hey, beautiful.
Wow!
Good morning, East Great Falls Blazers.
Don't forget about the big game against Central this week
and the Aloha Dance this Friday from 7:00 to midnight.
Hawaiian shirts and leis are recommended for entrance.
Charles, knock that off. - Sorry.
Let's focus on the quiz, please.
Douche bag.
I'm serious about this pledge, you know.
I know.
- So just dancing tonight. - Yeah. Just dancing.
The horizontal hula.
Nathan.
Poor Nathan.
His willy must be hard enough to cut glass by now.
Nathan loves me, and Nathan respects me.
Okay. A, a guy never respects a girl enough to give up sex.
And, B, well, what about you?
You must be feeling pretty randy by now, Dana.
Okay, well, yeah, maybe, like, the tiniest bit,
but I really feel like I'm connecting with the higher power here.
Yes, I know, and that is totally fab,
but I know I couldn't do it. I'm way too into giving blow jobs.
Ask Richard.
Hey, don't listen to Imogen, okay?
Sex is a really big deal, and if you feel like you're not ready,
then I think you should wait.
But...
No offence, Heidi, but you have no idea what you're talking about.
Text me later.
- Hey, Rob. Yeah?
- Can I ask you something? - Sure. What's up?
Well, it's kind of personal.
Okay.
I've been thinking. You know I'm a virgin, right?
It's just... I don't know.
Everyone's already done it like a million times already,
and I know I don't have a boyfriend or whatever, but...
But sometimes I feel like I should just get it over with.
You know? I mean, just get past this whole thing, this virgin.
What does that even mean, anyway?
So I've never had a penis in my vagina, but so what?
Why do I have to label everything? Like, "She's too innocent.
"She can't handle it" I'm not that innocent.
I've seen Showgirls and Blue Lagoon.
Anyways, I think I've decided to just do it. But what do you think?
Yeah. I think you should definitely go ahead and get it over with.
Thanks.
Let's get back to work.
Stifcam coming at you live from the Aloha Dance
here at the East Great Falls...
This chick just grabbed my ass.
She wants to play the Stifmeister's flute skin.
Let go find some of that sweet-looking pinoche, Gibbsy.
Hey, check it out. There's Heidi.
All right, all right. She looks highly doable.
All right, so what's the game plan here?
I don't know. Ask her to dance, I guess.
You need a plan, all right? It's all about establishing your intentions.
See, right now, she thinks of you as just a friend.
You need to break that paradigm.
Remember, friends don't let friends just be friends.
- Right. - I'm serious. You cannot puss out here.
All right, take it easy. I'm gonna go talk to her.
Wait. Aren't you forgetting something?
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Here, don't forget these.
You only need those when you're alone.
Right. Right. Okay.
www.frendz4m.com
- Okay! - What? What's wrong?
I can't.
- But it's only second base. - I know. But if we go there,
then we're gonna wanna go further.
But Adam and Eve did it.
I'm sorry. Hey, hey.
I love you. Do you know that?
Come here.
Is God okay with a blow job?
I thought you understood how I felt about this.
I told you, it's important for me to save myself until marriage.
You've had sex with seven guys.
And it was six, not seven!
Well, one was a black guy, so he counts as two.
Dana.
- Dana, come on. - Fuck off.
Dana. Come on, Dana. Dana!
Hey, girls. This is gonna be for Sit-on-my-face-book.
I need you to kiss one time, okay?
I don't know.
Come on. It's gonna be seen by millions of people.
Okay.
Okay, we're gonna go again,
but this time, sneak in some tongue for daddy.
Okay.
That's what I'm talking about, baby!
Stifmeister strikes again!
Dude.
You're gonna love this. Check this out.
Yeah. So?
Watch and learn.
"You're hot.
"Give me your number and let's get together"
I throw this at a hot girl,
and she's so impressed that I'm literally throwing around a Benjamin
that she wants to hook up with me.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
- I'm gonna go find Dana. - All right, man.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Watch out. Coming through.
So, I was thinking about what we were talking about, you know, before.
- Yeah. Yeah, I remember. - Right. So I was thinking, why wait?
Right? I mean, you might as well, you know, get it over with.
What? Like, here? At the dance?
Well, there's always the library.
- Yeah, the library. - I'm kidding.
- Yeah. I know. - But seriously, after the dance,
I don't know if you...
- What are you doing? - Looking for my money.
- C-note thing? - Yeah.
- Lose your money? - Shut up.
Ooh.
And we're back. What's up, dude? Where's Heidi?
I don't know.
- She was here a second ago. - Maybe she went to the bathroom.
- Yeah, maybe. - Dana's pissed at me.
Dude, you gotta play along with this whole pledge thing.
Well, that's easy for you to say.
You haven't exactly broken the seal yet, either.
Dude, I've been getting to third base on a regular basis.
I can't go back to jacking off now.
Dude, just use your left hand. It feels completely different.
- I'm gonna go find Heidi. - I'm gonna go find Dana.
No! Dude, you're gonna make me hurl.
Heidi?
No, no, no, no!
Wait.
Dude, yo.
Sluts.
What the hell?
Relax, dude.
Get off me, you freak!
Hey, a hundred bucks!
What are you doing?
Rob? You said...
Rob!
Dude, nice cock block.
I'm on fire.
- I'm on fire. - Oh, my God.
There's a fire. There's a fire, and it's on me.
Oh, my God.
Rob! Rob! Put it out. Take off your pants! Take off... Take your pants off!
Oh, God!
Come on!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hurry, Rob, come on.
Get it out! Get it out!
Oh, God.
What the hell is going on in here?
Two months seems like an awfully long time for Saturday detention.
We're supposed to clean up the library.
Do you guys know where the vacuum is?
Nope.
What were you doing in the library anyway?
I wasn't doing anything. Heidi was already in there.
- I was just looking for her. - I heard she was blowing some dude.
Cody! Well, I don't know how you're gonna go on the school ski trip
if you're still on detention.
Mom, I don't see what that has to do with it. I didn't do anything.
I heard you were the fluffer.
- Cody. - Look. His lips are chapped.
Well, we'll see.
All right. I have to go get ready.
Maybe it's in the garage.
Rob? I wanna have a little chat with you.
Do we have to?
Honey, I know that you're growing older,
and I don't know what your father has told you about things,
but I think it's important to discuss everything, you know?
Like about sex.
- Are you having sex? - Mom, I don't wanna talk about this.
No, well, it's just that I found this sock in the laundry, and, well...
Oh, God, Mom. Put that away.
And, also, somebody sent me a link to this video.
No, no, no, Frizzy! No.
- Mom, just turn it off! - I don't know how!
Your brother made it my start-up screen.
- Okay, I can... I can fix that. - You can? Great.
- Yeah. - Thanks.
- No, no, no, Frizzy! No! - Thank you for that.
- Okay. - And we're done. Right? Yeah.
Well, honey, please. There's no reason to be ashamed.
Masturbation is perfectly natural.
I mean, boys your age are maybe into experimentation
and trying new things with animals.
I mean, Frizzy, she's been in our family for... Since she was a puppy...
Hey, I'm late.
- You're tardy. - Sorry.
You can start by cleaning off all the damaged books
and separating the ruined ones. I'll be checking on you.
Heidi. Look, about last night...
I don't wanna talk about it.
- Well, I just wanted to tell you... - Rob.
I'm gonna go empty this bucket.
Do you have any idea what I found here?
- This is the bible. - I thought that was an urban legend.
No. This is real. This goes back decades.
Okay. So what?
This is exactly what we need to finally get laid.
How is this thing gonna help us get laid? It's ruined.
You can't even read most of it.
This book has helped one lucky guy each year at Great Falls.
And this year, that lucky guy is us.
Even with the damage, it still has a ton of useful stuff. Check this out.
"February 1st, 1977. The G-spot"
- I can dig it. What else you got?
"1991. How to shave your pubes to make your dick look bigger"
Dad showed me that one.
"2003. I just had the most amazing sexual experience"
Something I can't read. "She used a breath mint"
A breath mint? For what?
You moron. You stick it up your tailpipe and the minty-ness makes your asshole twitch.
Everyone knows that.
Dude, I don't know. This sounds pretty weak.
Plus, I mean, we can find most of this stuff on the internet anyway.
No, this is different. This has personal experiences.
Plus, it's custom-tailored to Great Falls girls.
Since when does punani have a zip code?
What have we got to lose? Nathan, you've been working on Dana for, what?
Like six months? Only to find out that she loves the Lord more than sex?
And, Lube, how have all your schemes to get laid been working out so far?
Minus $100.
Exactly, and me, well, I've been wasting all my time on some fantasy that someday
Heidi's gonna fall madly in love with me. Face it, guys, we need help.
And this is it, staring us right in the face.
- I'm in. - All right.
I'm in.
- Yeah. - Yes.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Hey, easy. Guys, it's old.
"May 1st, 1990.
"The simplest way into a girl's pants is still basic flattery"
That's it? Just flatter her?
- That's it. - Well, think about it.
How many times do you actually do it?
Walk up to a girl and say, "Wow, you have beautiful eyes"
Like, never. It's telling us the only proven way to get women is to be an asshole,
'cause the guys that actually spew that kind of crap get laid.
Check it out. Twelve o'clock.
- All right. Let's put this bible to a test. - Yes.
- You go talk to her. - I'm not trying it out on Ashley.
Why don't you go talk to her, 'cause you're the one who likes her?
- I'm eating. - Okay. I'll do it.
Hey, Ashley.
Hey, Rob. Shopping for your girlfriend?
No... This is... It's for my mom.
She's dating again.
Well, you know, I... Actually, I wanted to say,
you know, you have the most gorgeous teeth.
Hey. Come with me.
Jealous? He's making a move on your lady friend.
Unlike you, I don't mind sharing my women.
And what are you wankers up to today?
- Cheerio. - Hello, love.
Word to your mumsie.
Just waiting for some ladies to join us, in fact.
You nancy boys couldn't get laid at a Jonas Brothers concert
with a fistful of backstage passes. Cheerio.
Was that a slam?
You bet your bollocks.
- Hold this. - Yeah.
How does this look?
Great, I'll take it.
Stand up.
Wait, what... What's... Wait, hold... Hold on.
Oh.
Should I call you?
Just walk out of the store and meet me at the food court.
Act natural.
Can I help you?
No. No. I'm... I'm just browsing.
Okay, then.
- Have a nice day. - You, too.
I'm sorry! I wasn't stealing. It was a... It was a prank.
I am so sorry. I think we left the tags on your garments.
Please come back to the register. We'll figure this out. I'm so embarrassed.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I... I got excited.
That'll be 149.90.
- How much? - 149.90.
But they're so small.
- Madeleine? - It's my mom. I'm... I have a note.
- Thank you. - Have a nice day.
Come again.
What took you so long? Did you get it?
Sure did. I even stole you a bag so you don't have to touch it till you get home.
Great. Thanks.
Hey. What's up, Ashley?
What are you pillow biters doing here?
Stifler.
Don't eat that. You're gonna get fat.
I'm super horny. Wanna suck me off in the Sharper Image?
Okay.
Dana. Excuse me. I'm so sorry.
Didn't mean to disrupt the... This morning's mass.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to say I'm sorry.
Did you really think that this is the best time to discuss this?
Well, you weren't answering any of my texts.
- I'll be right back, okay? - Okay.
What is faith?
When you flip the light switch in your kitchen,
you know that the light will turn on.
Some might call that faith, but I tell you, that is not the real faith.
Okay, so what is so important that you needed to come and interrupt church?
I don't really get why you're so mad at me right now.
Because you don't respect me. This is all just a big joke to you.
You know what? You're right, because this is just another phase for you.
Just like your little stint on yearbook.
You stuck with that for, what, two weeks before you got bored with it?
Why is it so hard for you to believe that I wanna
wait until marriage?
NATHAN ON PA. Because you slept with Doug Wheeler
and Scott Thompson on the same night.
That doesn't count. I was drunk.
Is that Dana?
As soon as you get bored with this whole pledge thing,
you're just gonna jump right back in the saddle again.
And when you get to college, don't even tell me
that you won't be experimenting with the standard lesbian hookups,
having three-ways, trying anal.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
That's what I'm talking...
Fine. Just relax.
- Do something! Faith is...
- She's your daughter. - Go!
Faith is the rock-solid...
You don't think I'm committed to this? My parents waited until marriage.
My dad went to high school with your mom.
He said she blew the whole football team
and had to have her stomach pumped.
Don't be gross, okay?
Plus, your dad was a Beta.
Those guys are notorious poon slayers.
Fuck it! This is bullshit!
You know you want this.
Did we miss communion?
Been a rough go for the
East Great Falls Blazers in this game::.
Go, Blazers!
Which is surprising, since this is the last home game of the season.
You'd think they'd really pump up the power there.
Look at him! Watch that guy! Watch that guy!
Even though it's close to a tie, we were hoping for better defence from the...
Oh, my gosh, wait. So, what did your dad say?
He said if he ever sees Nathan within 100 feet of me,
he's gonna castrate him with a rusty Garden Weasel.
Oh, no. So what? Is it over between you guys or what?
I don't know.
Well, if you ever want to try a ménage, you're welcome to join Richard and me.
- No. - No.
Please don't say "young boy" around Coach Daly.
Yeah, out here he's...
- What about you, missy? - What?
How's your sex life?
You guys, I'm gonna go through with it. I am. I am.
You're so boring. I would've thought you'd be fielding offers
after your striptease in the library.
Yeah, I'm... I'm still just waiting for the right time.
Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Let's go, fight, win.
Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Blazers!
Fight, win. Blue and white, let's go, fight, win.
I think that is quite enough pictures of the cheerleaders.
How about we get some of the game?
As you were.
Douche bag.
Blue and white...
Shearson's bringing the ball up court.
He passes it off to Scott Stifler.
Central takes a charge from Shearson.
Time out, Blazers. What are we gonna do now, Bill?
Ten seconds in the game.
I think these guys really need to get their act...
Get your head in the game, doggy style. You can finish your wet dream later.
- I'm sorry. - This is it for this game.
Hey, Scott? Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Are you nuts? I'm in the middle of a game. - Last home game of the season.
Really gotta get their act together.
Tie game, 89 all, 3.9 seconds left. Let's see what's gonna happen here.
- Central's got the ball. Go, Blazers!
They have the advantage.
Looks like... Double screen!
Shearson gets the ball. He passes it to Scott Stifler... It's good! It's in!
The game's over. 91-89 for East Great Falls Blazers.
This is incredible, folks! This means we're going on to the playoffs!
Unbelievable! It's exciting.
What a chain of events that has occurred here today!
Honey, I need to talk to you.
Yeah, sure.
Is... Is that a Bible?
What? No. No, it's...
Well, honey, it's okay to read the Bible. I mean, gosh, you act like
I caught you reading pornography.
What did you wanna talk about?
Well, I just got my credit card statement and...
And here on your card there's a charge here for a lingerie store.
Yeah, I'm... I'm gonna pay you back for that, Mom.
Is there a girl you're seeing?
No. Mom, it's complicated.
- Did you buy something for yourself? - No!
Because it's a very normal area of exploration.
My book says that most fetishes are not homosexual in nature,
and, well, you know, boys, they tend to...
Yes, Mom, that's it. You figured it out. I love wearing women's underwear.
Thongs, G-strings, a little teddy now and then.
It's so soft and silky smooth. The frillier the better.
Sexy.
Oh, God! Come on.
Gotcha.
So it was for a girl.
Yeah, Mom.
Great.
So, you know that thing you told me before the dance?
Yeah.
Right, well, I was thinking about that conversation.
So, what about it?
I was just thinking, you know, maybe you should wait.
I know. You know, I've thought about it, too,
but I still feel like I'm making this whole thing
into, like, this huge deal. I mean, it's consuming my every thought.
I don't know, Rob.
I still feel like it's best if I just get it over with.
Yeah. I can see that.
You figured it out. I love wearing women's underwear.
Thongs, G-strings, a little teddy now and then.
It's so soft and silky smooth. The frillier the better.
What is up with this crap, butt nugget?
That was taken completely out of context. All right? I was being facetious.
That means he wasn't being serious.
I know what facetious means, dick face.
Are you trying to repel all the pussy in school?
- No... - Tick tock, doggy boy.
You cock is on the clock.
Excuse me. Take notes.
- Hey, Imogen. - Stifler.
The word for the day is "legs"
So?
So, why don't we go back to my place and spread the word?
Well, how about you save your breath?
You're gonna need it to inflate your date later.
Gentlemen, it is time we got laid.
Really? And what is it we've been trying to do all this time?
No, no. We need to get laid. Right here. September 9th, 1995.
Can you give us the executive summary?
No, not that. This.
We are going on a road trip.
How long do you intend on staying in Canada?
Just a couple of hours.
What's the nature of your visit?
We've driven many miles in search of vertical smiles.
We use kilometres here.
Then we've driven many clicks to wet our dicks?
Yes! Yeah!
- That works, right? - Bye-bye.
Fucking Americans.
You know, the exchange rate on the dollar is really gonna help us out.
Yeah.
Okay, up ahead, turn right.
- You sure? - Yes. Turn right.
Okay, boys. Let's do this.
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Come on, you pussy. Let's get laid.
The bible says to ask for Monique.
Hi. Are you Monique?
No, moi, no, no, no. Mais, Monique, she is inside.
Come. Come, boys.
Boys, entrez chez nous.
C'est magnifique, no? I will get Monique.
She will be so happy to see you.
In the meantime, make yourselves at home.
Jesus, tits. We came to the right place.
Is that a moose?
Condom?
Why, thank you.
Gentlemen.
Thank you.
Very much.
Thank you.
Can't wait to see Monique.
We're here to see Monique.
I am Monique.
Well, that's... That's okay.
Come, come. I make you a nice drink.
Could you just give us just one minute?
Okay. Let's go.
Let's just talk about this for a second here.
- Yeah, I mean, it can't be that bad, right? - Are you insane?
Listen, I put a lot of mileage on my mom's minivan coming all the way up here.
The bible says she's got a lot of experience.
- This could be very educational for all of us. - Really?
- He's up. - No, no. Why am I first?
It was your idea.
Don't... Don't insult Monique. She has an entire chapter in the bible.
Come on, you're going to have a nice time.
You two crazy kids have fun.
And welcome.
So... So, how does this work? Am I supposed to pay you?
No, no, no. Not yet.
I see.
You've got one active imagination, boy.
How long was I out?
Only about eight seconds that time.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No. No, no, no.
Yes. Yes.
Monique! That's really nice.
That's it.
I'm so sorry. I usually last a lot longer.
Hey.
Hey, was I supposed to tap you on the shoulder or something?
Oh, no. No.
Help! Help! Help, help, help!
Go, go, go! Go! I'm coming!
- Jesus. Dude. - Oh, God!
What, do you need an audience?
No, no. Wait, guys. I think she's dead!
Excuse me?
Oh, my God. This is not good.
I can't get her off. I think she had a heart attack.
Help! She's got lockjaw. Get her off of me!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - It's lockjaw.
Lockjaw! Lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw!
- Okay. - Get her off!
I'm sorry!
Phone. Phone. Wait. Clear!
Shit. What am I doing?
Clear, clear!
Okay. Come down here. Grab her legs. One, two, three.
Forget it. It's totally screwed up. Oh, God.
What you do to maman?
www.frendz4m.com
Maman! You killed maman! You killed maman!
Fucking Americans! Come back here. I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you cowards!
I killed her.
I killed her with my sperm!
Hey, man, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. She led a full life.
How do you know that?
Man, what do you want me to say? You're the one that murdered her!
I can't believe that was the woman the bible said we should have sex with.
Right here... "September 9th, 1995"
Let me see that.
No. No, that's a seven! That's 1975. It's from the '70s.
- I thought it was a nine. Shut up! Shut up!
- I didn't do anything! - Shut up! Just shut up! I wanna go home.
I don't wanna be here.
Oh, my God! I just hit a squirrel.
Well, that went well.
Guys, I think it's time we try my interpretation.
Look, Nathan, you've been trying to convince Dana to sleep with you,
instead of just listening to her. Right, you know?
Trying to see things from her point of view? Showing just...
Just a little respect.
And you, you're still trying to trick women into sleeping with you,
instead of just being honest.
And you're still too much of a pussy to tell Heidi you're into her.
You going to Stifler's house tonight?
Yeah. I'll probably go with Dana.
So any luck losing that thing you were trying to get rid of?
- Rob. - I'm just asking.
Maybe you should mind your own business.
What's with you today?
I wanna tell you something that I've been wanting to say for a long time.
Okay.